SOP - Music Engineering

Свои творения - на суд общественности

Модератор: Max

Maria
Сообщения: 11
Зарегистрирован: Пн июн 20, 2011 12:39 pm

SOP - Music Engineering

Непрочитанное сообщение Maria » Пн дек 12, 2011 3:39 pm

Уважаемые форумчане!

Прошу покритиковать SOP на специальность Music Engineering (Master of Science). Это отделение при School of Music специально для людей с техническим бэкграундом и страстью к музыке. Собственно это и пытался отобразить в своем SOP один мой знакомый) Какие слабые места? Заранее спасибо!

This is a story about the role of music and electronics in my life.

I have started playing guitar at high school. My parents were strongly convinced that I do not have an ear for music, but in spite of that approximately in a year I had become quite a good guitar player and my parents had to admit it. As a result they even bought me electric guitar as a birthday present. The age of my personal music engineering began at that time. I fitted old vinyl player as an amplifier, and I even made several distortion and fuzz effect pedals by myself. I was enthusiastic about electronics and I enjoyed making different small devices. My room had a smell of colophony melted by a solderer.

When I was a first year student I founded my own band, I called it “Neighbours from below”. We had two guitars, bass guitar and drums. I was writing songs, playing guitar and singing. We participated in different festivals and played in different clubs. We were spending most of our time rehearsing. We were living with music. That was awesome time, which, unfortunately, did not last too long. “Neighbours from below” broke up on the second year of my study at the university. Probably it was because all participants more or less simultaneously understood that they would never become rock-stars and just playing music wasn’t enough for us. This break up was a good chance to concentrate on study. At that time I was already studying at Radio Physics department of Saint Petersburg State Polytechnical University. I chose this area because of my love for electronics. I liked my study, particularly work in laboratory and on a personal research projects. My favourite subjects were signal processing and analog circuits.

One of the most important achievements for me during my study was my diploma project - photo detector for ultra sensitive medical diagnostic gas analyzer. It was based on a very sensitive gas analyze method, which was successfully implemented in chemical weapon deactivation plants. Our aim was to use this method for civil aims. This project is very significant for me not only because of huge research work, gained experience and noticeable results, but because of very high practical usage for people.

After graduating I started to work as a presale engineer in the interactive television area. I deal with both HW and SW systems, such as: CAS/DRM solutions, Encoders, Modulators, Middleware etc. I like my job, because I feel that I am really good at it. But I think, that my potential is not realized in full here.

Recently music has appeared in my life again. I started to take trumpet lessons. With no reasons, I just felt that I somehow need to realize my creative energy and now I understand that music was the right choice to do that. I can feel the sound, I become extremely inspired and energetic after my classes. I don’t want to become a rock-star any more, I have quite a different attitude to music now. This is a way of self-expression and it is much more personal now. It is not possible for me to image my today’s life without music, and I want to connect my further life with it.

Music engineering program at University of Miami is a great chance for me to unify my passion for music and my experience in engineering. I was always convinced that the most interesting results could be achieved on a border of two different sciences, I think that the border of science and art is even more fascinating field for creativity and research. And I feel really excited about it.

promanev
Сообщения: 273
Зарегистрирован: Вт июн 07, 2011 11:58 pm
Откуда: Voronezh x---x-> Burlington, VT

Re: SOP - Music Engineering

Непрочитанное сообщение promanev » Вт дек 13, 2011 8:55 am

We participated in different festivals and played in different clubs - вот, мне кажется, можно более подробно написать. Если было такое, конечно.
Например, мы выступали каждую неделю в одном из трех клубов, у нас было постоянно сколько-то зрителей. Или еще какие-либо численные доказательства серьезности игры в группе. Нужны цифры, конкретика.

В остальном мне сложно судить, я еще сам не поступил. :)

Аватара пользователя
Lyu
Forum Admin
Сообщения: 1160
Зарегистрирован: Вт дек 07, 2010 3:05 pm
Откуда: Samara, Russia -> Riverside, CA

Re: SOP - Music Engineering

Непрочитанное сообщение Lyu » Ср дек 14, 2011 8:36 am

Сложно критиковать, т.к. область весьма специфичная и мне совершенно не знакомая. Тем не менее, хочу согласиться с promanev - больше конкретики не помешало бы. Passion - это, конечно, хорошо, но achievements - лучше (ИМХО) ;)

Несколько замечаний по языку:
"I have started playing guitar at high school" - почему HAVE started? По-моему, тут просто started.
"My parents were strongly convinced that I do not have an ear for music" - нужно "I DID not", согласование времён.
"in a year I had become" - опять "had" режет слух. Лучше просто "became"
"I was writing songs, playing guitar and singing." - Зачем continuous?
"Our aim was to use this method for civil aims." - 2 раза aim, не хорошо. Второе можно заменить на "purposes".
"After graduating" - лучше "After graduation".
"I started to work" - надо "I started working"
"I started to take trumpet lessons." - то же самое: "I started taking.."
"I just felt that I somehow need to realize.." - опять согласование времён. Либо оба в прошедшем - "I felt that I needed", либо оба в настоящем - "I feel that I need"

В целом, мне сочинение понравилось. С изрядной долей креатива. Но, как я уже сказала, не помешало бы написать о каких-то достижениях всё-таки, т.к. специальность хотя бы отчасти техническая, а технари любят цифры. ;)

Maria
Сообщения: 11
Зарегистрирован: Пн июн 20, 2011 12:39 pm

Re: SOP - Music Engineering

Непрочитанное сообщение Maria » Чт дек 15, 2011 6:46 am

Спасибо за комментарии. Автор немного подкорректировал с учетом замечаний. Как на этот раз?

This is a story about the role of music and electronics in my life.

I started to play guitar at high school. My parents were strongly convinced that I did not have an ear for music, but in spite of that approximately in a year I became quite a good guitar player and my parents had to admit it. As a result they even bought me electric guitar as a birthday present. The age of my personal music engineering began at that time. I fitted old vinyl player as an amplifier, and I even made several distortion and fuzz effect pedals by myself. I was enthusiastic about electronics and I enjoyed making useful devices. My room had a smell of colophony melted by a solderer.

When I was a first year student I founded my own band, I called it “Neighbours from below”. We had two guitars, bass guitar and drums. My role was to write texts, play guitar, sing and to look for opportunities of participating in youth rock festivals. Totally there were around ten our concerts in different clubs of Saint-Petersburg. We were spending most of our time rehearsing. We were living with music. That was awesome time, which, unfortunately, did not last too long. “Neighbours from below” broke up on the second year of my study at the university. Probably it was because all participants more or less simultaneously understood that they would never become rock-stars and just playing music wasn’t enough for us. This break up was a good chance to concentrate on study. At that time I was already studying at Radio Physics department of Saint Petersburg State Polytechnical University. I chose this area because of my love for electronics. My favourite subjects at university were signal processing and analog circuits. I liked my study, particularly work in laboratory and on a personal research projects. Besides studying I took active participation in a social life. I was a representative of my academic group in a students professional union.

During my research work I was actively assisting my professor in his scientific and educational projects. On my third year I created educational laboratory stand devoted to study of discontinues filters architecture. One of the most important achievements for me during my study was my diploma project - photoreceiver of an ultra sensitive medical diagnostic gas analyzer. It was based on a very sensitive gas analyze method, which was successfully implemented in chemical weapon deactivation plants. This method allows to detect one single molecule of gas in a cube metre of air. Our goal was to use this unique method for civil aims. As some diseases are accompanied with appearance of a specific gas in humans exhalation, they could be diagnosed on early stages just by detecting according gas in humans out-breath. This project is very significant for me not only because of huge research work, gained experience and noticeable results, but because of very high practical usage for people.

After graduation I started working as a presale engineer in the interactive television area. I deal with both HW and SW systems, such as: CAS/DRM solutions, Encoders, Modulators, Middleware etc. I like my job, because I feel that I am really good at it. But I think that my potential is not realized in full here.

Recently music has appeared in my life again. I started taking trumpet lessons. With no reasons, I just felt that I somehow needed to realize my creative energy and now I understand that music was the right choice to do that. I can feel the sound, I become extremely inspired and energetic after my classes. I don’t want to become a rock-star any more, I have quite a different attitude to music now. This is a way of self-expression and it is much more personal now. It is not possible for me to image my today’s life without music, and I want to connect my further life with it.

Music engineering program at University of Miami is a great chance for me to unify my passion for music and my experience in engineering. I was always convinced that the most interesting results could be achieved on a border of two different sciences, I think that the border of science and art is even more fascinating field for creativity and research. And I feel really excited about it.

victor_a
Сообщения: 429
Зарегистрирован: Ср авг 18, 2010 4:31 am
Откуда: Pennsylvania, US

Re: SOP - Music Engineering

Непрочитанное сообщение victor_a » Вт дек 27, 2011 12:43 am

but in spite of that approximately in a year I became
-> (IMO)
but, in spite of that, in a about a year I become

I became quite a good guitar player and my parents had to admit it
->
I became quite a good guitar player, and my parents had to admit it

"and my parents had to admit it" -- вода ненужная. Чую там еще много такого будет впереди... (had to -- принуждены были? Под дулом?)

As a result they even bought me electric guitar as a birthday present.
->
Being astonished by my progress, they bought me an electric guitar for my birthday. (хотя, это предложение как ни крути, все равно хренотень получается. По смыслу, в SOP просто не пролезает).

my personal music engineering -- "мой личный музыкальный инжиниринг" -- это что? Я даже по-русски не могу понять, англичане неверное тоже не поймут.

I fitted old vinyl player as an amplifier, and
->
I used an old phonograph as an amplifier and

I even made several distortion and fuzz effect pedals by myself
->
I even made several distortion and fuzz effect pedals myself (кстати, а distortion pedal -- это правильный термин? Мож там не педаль, а девайс, примочка то бишь =))

When I was a first year student I founded my own band,
->
When I was a freshman, I founded my own musical band,
или
Being a freshman, I created a musical band,

When I was a first year student I founded my own band, I called it “Neighbours from below”.
->
When I was a freshman, I founded a musical band "Neighbors From Below" (название кстати можно опустить, это ж не linkin park, но если дальше вы будете ссылаться на свой band по имени, то можно оставить)

bass guitar
->
bass (по-моему бас-гитара зовется просто бас или acoustic bass если дейсвительно акустический)

My role was to write texts, play guitar, sing and to look for opportunities of participating in youth rock festivals.
->
My role was writing texts, playing a lead guitar, singing and searching for opportunities for performing at youth rock festivals. (с lead guitar тут я немного не уверен)

Totally there were around ten our concerts in different clubs of Saint-Petersburg.
->
Eventually, we had given/played more than ten concerts at various rock clubs of/at Saint Petersburg.

We were living with music.
-> (мож так лучше?)
We were living in a world of music. (Будучи не нативным English speaker'ом я бы воздержался от заворотов такого калибра)

That was awesome time
->
It/that was an awesome time

Probably it was because all participants more or less simultaneously understood that they would never become rock-stars and just playing music wasn’t enough for us.
->
The probable cause for the breakup was our understanding that we were not going to become rock-stars and performing without seeing reachability of this (bright) goal was not for us. (Дойдя до этого места, я до сих пор не понимаю зачем это и многие предыдущие предложения были включены в SOP. Что они многут мне сказать о поступающем? Группа распалась возможно потому, а может и поэтому. Как вы считаете, приемная комиссия, почему наша группа распалась?! Я б не стал дальше читать.)

This break up
->
This breakup (break up - глагол, breakup - существительное)

This breakup was a good chance to concentrate on study. ~= "Вы не большой любитель учиться, но если группа на отдыхе, то можно и поботать" -- это не есть реклама вас как апликанта (если, конечно, на музыкальном инжиниринге не надо постоянно играть вместо учебы; специальность уж больно специальная...)

At that time I was already studying at Radio Physics department of
->
At the time, I was (already) studying at the Radio Physics Department of

At that time I was already studying at Radio Physics department of Saint Petersburg State Polytechnical University. I chose this area because of my love for electronics.
-> At the time, I was studying at Staint Petersburg State Polytechnical University's Radio Physics Department, which I had chosen because of my passion for electronics.

My favourite subjects at university were signal processing and analog circuits.
->
My favorite classes were Signal Processing and Analog Circuits.

I liked my study, particularly work in laboratory and on a personal research projects.
->
I loved my study and, in particular, working in a laboratory and doing personal research projects.

Besides studying I took active participation in a social life.
->
Besides studying, I actively participated in the university's social life.

I was a representative of my academic group in a students professional union.
-> (IMO)
I represented the student body at the Student Professional Union.

During my research work I was
->
While doing research, I was

On my third year I created educational laboratory stand
->
At my third year of studies, I created an educational stand dedicated to ... (тут я не совсем понял что за стенд, что за лаборатория)

One of the most important achievements for me during my study was my diploma project
->
One of my most important academic achievements was the thesis project on the development of a photoreceiver...

It was based on a very sensitive gas analyze method
->
Не понятно на что ссылается It. => The photoreceiver / the project / ... was based on a very sensitive gas analysis method (чувствительный метод газового анализа - для меня звучит как-то крамально, не моя наука одним словом)

which was successfully implemented in chemical weapon deactivation plants.
->
which has been successfully applied to the breeding of a sort of plant used for deactivation of chemical weapon. (О музыке что-то давно уже не было. Хим оружие пошло...)

This method allows to detect one single molecule of gas in a cube metre of air.
->
The applied method allows to detect even a single molecule of a (toxic?) gas in a cubic meter of air.

As some diseases are accompanied with appearance of a specific gas in humans exhalation, they could be diagnosed on early stages just by detecting according gas in humans out-breath.
->
As some diseases are characterized by presence of a certain gas in human exhalation, these diseases can be diagnosed at an early stage by detection of this gas. (все равно слишком сложно; надо упростить)

This project is very significant for me not only because of huge research work, gained experience and noticeable results, but because of very high practical usage for people.
-> (IMO)
I enjoyed this project not only because of the great amount of reasearch involved, but also because of our research's great significance for people's health.

After graduation I started working as a presale engineer in the interactive television area. I deal with both HW and SW systems, such as: CAS/DRM solutions, Encoders, Modulators, Middleware etc.
->
Having graduated from the university, I started to work as a presale engineer in the interactive television area. (Есть такая профессия presale engineer? IMO эти два слова в одном предложении вообще не употребимы.)

I deal with both HW and SW systems, such as: CAS/DRM solutions, Encoders, Modulators, Middleware etc.
->
I deal with both HW and SW systems(,?) such as Sys#1, Sys#2, Sys#3, and Sys#4.
* перед such as не уверен, что ставится запятая,
* я уповаю на то, что адмишн комити знает все ети абревиатуры
* если such as, то без etc.
* etc. -> and so forth (в акад письме не исп сокр)

I like my job, because I feel that I am really good at it. But I think that my potential is not realized in full here.
->
I love my job because I am truly good at it, but my potential and ambition are not completely fulfilled here. (realize - это только в словаре "реализация"; в американском реале, to realize = понимать)

Recently music has appeared in my life again.
->
Recently, music (has?) appeared in my life again.

I started taking trumpet lessons. With no reasons, I just felt that I somehow needed to realize my creative energy and now I understand that music was the right choice to do that.
->
Это вообще может убрать?! Недавно опять музыка пришла (т.е. я реально музыкой не интересуюсь, только иногда, но только при условии, что без резона, т.е. могу начать учиться, а через пару месяцев уйду из вашего универа играть на трамбоне в группу).

don’t
->
do not

not possible
->
impossible

University of Miami
->
the University of Miami

I think that the border of science and art is even more fascinating field
->
The intersection of sciences and arts is an even more fascinating area for research.
"I think" - все в этом эссе - это то, что вы think; если что-то -- нет, то это либо вранье либо plagiarism

And I feel really excited about it.
кончили за упокой
+ лучше не начинать предложение с And или But -- плохой стиль.


Вообщем, в смысле грамматики тут еще можно поработать. Но главное -- это смысл. Тут его не много. После прочтения этого эссе (кстати, я уже говорил, что на месте admission committee я б не стал читать после первой трети, а может и после первого-второго абзаца) я не хочу вас к себе в аспирантуру/магистратуру. Много воды, многое не говорит о вас ничего как о passionate student and researcher. Организовали, распалось, начали, бросили, потом что-то ударило в голову, без резона решили трамбоном заняться, сначала музыка, потом токсичные газы. Мне лично такой аспирант не нужен. Рекомендую почитать примеры SOP на градусе, на сайте Лукиной, да и еще много где в интернетах и переписать сочинение. Но это все субъективно.

Ответить

Кто сейчас на конференции

Сейчас этот форум просматривают: нет зарегистрированных пользователей и 8 гостей