SoP Economics

Свои творения - на суд общественности

Модератор: Max

DiaNa
Сообщения: 9
Зарегистрирован: Чт дек 22, 2011 2:02 pm

SoP Economics

Непрочитанное сообщение DiaNa » Ср дек 04, 2013 4:30 pm

Уважаемые форумчане,
иногда и уже довольно давно захожу к вам в гости :yes: Но написать не решалась. И вот мне нужна ваша помощь: все как обычно, необходима критика. И чем жестче, тем лучше, ибо если это сделаете не вы, то сделает ВУЗ :( И варианта что-либо исправить уже не будет :nea:
Для удобства вставляю и копипаст, и прикрепленный файл ворда.
(да, пара слов обо мне, если из текста будет непонятно: училась я на Менеджменте организации кафедры Экономики в Самаре, диплом был по теме Кредитная политика и механизмы ее реализации в коммерческом банке на примере ОАО Бинбанк. Работаю 3 года тестировщиком ПО в двух проектах для логистических компаний, где мы исследуем в том числе и всякие стоимости пробегов тягачей, какие ресурсы выгоднее всего назначить на заказы, KPI (key performance indicators) индикаторы, анализ опций планирования-чтобы подбирались самые выгодные ресурсы)

Please state your specific interests with respect to the program to which you are applying. The following information should be included in this statement:
1. Your intended area of specialization, career objectives, and research interests and experience.
2. A brief occupational resume if any significant period has elapsed since you were last enrolled in an academic institution.
3. Academic awards, prizes, honors, fellowships or other distinctions you have received.
4. Work experience or activities pertinent to your graduate goals.
5. If pertinent to your proposed field of study, please list your publications and any scholarly or professional organizations in which you hold membership.

Statement of Purposes
Is it better to study Economics as a science or to apply economical knowledge at a workplace? Some people are confident that Economics is the most important science and dig inside every aspect of it all life long without applying it to some business and others benefit their current employer with their already existing economic knowledge without updating it. I would argue that both processes are important. One should get some knowledge first, then apply it to work and study again afterwards carrying obtained knowledge and experience.
During my last year of high school I was all the more convinced that Economics is the engine of progress. One situation convinced me that my choice of the future career is right. Once my parents and I went to a bank to obtain a loan. We were waiting in line, when my attention was drawn by a self-confident smooth voice of one of the banks visitors saying to the bank specialist that he wants to sign up for a 6 year mortgage with differentiated payments. When the specialist offered to consider annuity payments, the man compared annuity payments with differentiated payments and drew a graph of payouts depending on the loan term. I was astonished to see how a well-educated person can argue with the bank representative and easily obtain a better loan. The man was a renowned Professor of Economics who was teaching at the Samara State Aerospace University. The University was well-known for excellent skills of students and undoubtedly had a strong faculty members. In addition, I devoted to Economics a lot of my free time. In 2003 my aunt from Yamalo-Neneckij region in north of Russia decided to move to different region due to some “economic reasons” as she told me. I got curious about the plot of this decision and composed the questionnaire which she distributed among her 35 neighbours willing to leave the region as well. Analysis of received data showed me that there was obvious connection between shutting down the factories in North, deterioration of the economy and mass departure. It was not only the results which I gathered, the research was fun indeed and it filled me with sense of needness. I realized that my topic itself and Microeconomics in general are too huge and even little aspects of it can be studied all life long. I presented my first conducted research "The Economic causes of migration from northern regions" at Samara State Conference where I was honoured with the highest award. These facts determined my choice of field and place of study.
I was accepted to Samara State Aerospace University at the Department of Economics and Management because of my success in school studies and high scores for admissions exams in many ways superior than the required level. Macroeconomics, Microeconomics, Theory of Economics, Mathematical economics inspired me a lot. I liked Mathematics no less than Economics especially Calculus and Analysis, Linear algebra, Probability theory and Mathematical statistics, Econometrics. After 5 years of studying Economics and working on my research paper in Monetary policy field I earned a specialist degree and graduated with honors.
Work on my graduation thesis involved researching Economics and Computer Science for the Russian bank “Binbank”. I spent most of my educational and personal time doing a comprehensive analysis of the theory of monetary policy and methods of using it in “Binbank”. In the thesis I suggested a method of establishing objective criteria for determining risk in lending, my method minimized the subjective approach to the borrower. The developed method of credit portfolio management collected objective indicators: parameters of financial flows, the external and internal environment of the company and analysis of partners. I also created and suggested to “Binbank” a computer program for calculating these risks. The results of my thesis research were considered to be used in one of the branches of "Binbank" in the city of Syzran. They also considered to apply my method and the software implementing this method to improve their business processes related to risk management. This fact inspired me much. After graduation I became a skillful specialist in financial management, so my “challenge A: to get specialist degree in Economics with honors” was accomplished.
I also had a “challenge B: to learn English and start speaking fluently”. I learned this language from scratch for travel on a student program “WorkAndTravel”(from the 2nd year of elementary school until the 2nd course at my University I was taught German). I participated in the “WorkAndTravel” program three times in America. Each time I was more confident in expressing my thoughts and articulating my point of view.
After completing my first two challenges I could easily work in a foreign affiliated occupation or Banking sector, but I did not feel like I was ready to follow the predicted path. I was ready to try something completely new, more complex and requiring certain economical, technical and logistics skills where I can apply my current knowledge while facing real world problems.
This is how I started working on “challenge C: applying economic knowledge at the edge of software testing and logistics research”. After a few months of searching I found a job which suited this challenge. I received a position of a quality assurance engineer in Software Engineering Company “Smart Solutions”. I enjoy the complexity and diversity of the projects I have been assigned to. I initially started a complex and labor-intensive project called “SmartTruck” that consisted of a user interface, planner and server for logistic companies. I am presently working on two different projects and my day to day tasks would consist of analyzing customer data, running our own software for best customer’s fleet allocation on the upcoming orders, manual and automated testing, taking care of planning results, searching for better algorithms for adaptive planning and calculating KPIs. I have learned SQL database query language and modules and application interaction. I apply my economical knowledge to work projects. I analyze the efforts of our team when developing a new project and estimate the project costs. My education also helps me consider risks of our potential customers and their trustability. I am in the unique situation when I apply my knowledge to the process of working with real users of software programs. This is quite different from what was studied as a part of the curriculum material.
Every day I bring success to my workplace, but to stop there is not in my nature. My next challenge is “challengeD: to get a PhD degree in Economics” in the *** University. The USA is a economically and technically developed country with a lot of experience in finance and macroeconomics which will allow me to apply new knowledge in my job on a higher level. During my time in the United States I experienced the wide range of economical interaction between government, banks and citizens from reading economic news to dealing with banking sector. The prevalence of Internet purchases and widespread payments with credit and debit cards amazed me. I must say that the way economy is understood and organized in much better than in Russia.
My goal is to become a part of research group of assistant professor Ryo Jinnai since his research interest are Macroeconomics and Monetary Economics and this is what I was doing for my thesis and also for work in analysis of logistics companies’ business. The recent publication of Jinnai “News Shocks, Price Levels and Monetary Policy” found my deep respect and appreciation. This pervasive research shows how little the problem is investigated and that I can participate in the research. Work on my research paper will consist of gathering data from 3-4 banks with the highest rate of unpaid mortgages and loans. I will analyze borrowers and common patterns of avoiding the payments. The methods of establishing objective criteria for determining risk in lending will be applied afterwards.
I am positive that learning theoretical knowledge in Economics is important and to obtain the practical experience is twice as important. This is a path I am following myself and will be following in PhD program. I am excited to study and achieve a PhD degree in Economics at *** University. I feel there would be a mutual benefit as I will obtain a higher level of economic education which allows me to perform better duties at my workplace. The University in return will get an experienced student with economical knowledge applied to logistics.
У вас нет необходимых прав для просмотра вложений в этом сообщении.

Аватара пользователя
Lyu
Forum Admin
Сообщения: 1160
Зарегистрирован: Вт дек 07, 2010 3:05 pm
Откуда: Samara, Russia -> Riverside, CA

Re: SoP Economics

Непрочитанное сообщение Lyu » Ср дек 04, 2013 6:24 pm

Меня иногда просят почитать/покритиковать СоПы в личке, и этот СоП я уже читала. Собственно, я и предложила автору выложить его здесь, т.к. мне показалось, что надо как-то "гуще" написать, объяснить более подробно, зачем нужно PhD.

Аватара пользователя
Десятник-аспирант
Сообщения: 499
Зарегистрирован: Сб янв 14, 2012 1:26 pm
Откуда: Бандерштадт -> Москвабад -> Columbia SC

Re: SoP Economics

Непрочитанное сообщение Десятник-аспирант » Чт дек 05, 2013 11:53 pm

Второе предложение на три строки как-то слишком уж тяжеловесное. Я б разбил на Some people... Though/However, other people ...
teaching at Samara State Aerospace University - the тут не надо.
and undoubtedly had a strong faculty members - лучше без members, просто faculty (преподавательский состав).
Ну и с артиклями беда:
decided to move to А different region
THE аnalysis of received data
there was AN obvious connection (тут возможно даже ТНЕ нужен, но я не уверен)
my choice of THE/MY field and place of study
THE work on my graduation thesis involved
of a user interface, A planner and A server for logistic companies.
The USA is AN economically
This is THE path I am following
Прочее:
and high scores for THE ENTRANCE exams (not admissions)
Monetary Policy field (в названиях дисциплин все слова с большой буквы)
graduation thesis - для них не понятно, надо конкретно писать bachelors/masters/specialists thesis
involved RESEARCH IN Economics and Computer Science
Binbank не надо в кавычках.
I also created and suggested to “Binbank” a computer program for calculating these risks. - порядок слов как в русском (дословно ведь перевела). А надо I also created and suggested computer program for calculating these risks to Binbank.
The results of my thesis research were considered to be used... They also considered to apply... - ну зачем это considered? Прямо "Мы, Императрица и Самодержица Екатерина 2я высочайшим соизволеньем постановили...". Будь проще и пиши просто were used & they also applied. И вообще кривое предложение какое-то: applied this method ... implementing this method... Я бы переписал, They also successfully applied my method and my software implementation of it to improve their business processes related to risk management. This fact inspired me VERY much.
I learned this language from scratch for THE PURPOSE OF TRAVELLING on a student program (насчёт предлога on тоже сомнения, но я не знаю как правильно)
I participated in the “WorkAndTravel” program three times in the US.
After COMPLETION OF/HAVING COMPLETED/I HAVE COMPLETED/I WAS DONE WITH my first two challenges
After a few months of SEARCH (searcing - это только ищущий, не поиски)
I found a job which suited THE BEST FOR ACHIEVING MY GOALS WITHIN THE CURRENT challenge.
in Software Engineering Company “Smart Solutions” - опять порядок слов как в русском - не верный, должно быть in Smart Solutions software engineering company
I ENJOYED the complexity
I am CURRENTLY working, и если так, то тогда просто tasks consist далее - согласование времён должно быть.
taking care of planning results - забота о результатах, как мило :) . Обработка - processing the planning results, или planning results processing.
I analyze the efforts of our team when developing a new project and estimate the project costs. - из предложения следует, что ты анализируешь и оцениваешь команду, когда ты сама разрабатываешь проект, а не команда. Но полагаю, проектом всё же команда занимается и тогда надо ... of our team developing a new project...
country with a lot of experience - как у страны может быть экспиренс? Он у людей только. Вот и напиши The USA is an economically and technically developed country with a lot of highly experienced professionals in finance and macroeconomics I may gain knowledge from. This will allow me to apply my extensive knowledge in my future work on a higher level.
I experienced the wide range ... in a number of different ways: from ... to ... - так целостнее.
the way ... IS much better than in Russia
My goal is to become a part of the assistant professor Ryo Jinnai's research group
and also DURING MY work in
This pervasive research shows how little the problem is investigated and HOW MUCH I can participate in THESE INVESTIGATIONS.
Work on my research paper will consist of ... I will analyze ... will be applied ... - во-первых the work (а лучше the future work), а во-вторых не много ли на себя берёшь? Не рассказывай своему потенциальному работодателю, что тебе делать - и он не расскажет, куда тебе идти ;). Скромнее как-то надо. I anticipate that my research paper will consist of... I may analize ... might be applied...
I feel there would be a mutual benefit - и в чём же? Универ тебе дегри дал, выпустил, и поминай тебя как звали. Что ему с того, что ты - хорошая студентка? Вот хороший ресерч ассистант в помощь профессору - это да, бенефит. Всегда нужен.

И знаешь, побольше надо opening phrases в начале предложений: On the one hand, On the other hand, It is a common experience that, However, Moreover, Though, Although, Nevertheless, Nonetheless, In spite of the fact that, Despite this, Notwithstanding, Surprisingly, To sum up, In conclusion, Taking everything into account, All in all, ... - где это всё у тебя?! :girl_devil: Вообще по-моему ни одного нет кроме In addition разок. А они это любят, это делает речь живее.
И which можно разбавлять that - они равнозначны; that даже чаще используется.
ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ

Vesta87.87
Сообщения: 1066
Зарегистрирован: Сб авг 07, 2010 8:15 am
Откуда: Barnaul-> Flagstaff, AZ -> Oxford, MS -> Boston, MA

Re: SoP Economics

Непрочитанное сообщение Vesta87.87 » Пт дек 06, 2013 5:28 am

И which можно разбавлять that - они равнозначны; that даже чаще используется.
Ну здравствуйте, елка и Новый Год...Никогда они не были равнозначными и никогда that не употреблялась в качестве заменителя which...

Аватара пользователя
future
Сообщения: 473
Зарегистрирован: Пт сен 14, 2012 5:45 am
Откуда: St.Petersburg -> Toronto -> Germany

Re: SoP Economics

Непрочитанное сообщение future » Пт дек 06, 2013 5:49 am

Vesta87.87 писал(а):
И which можно разбавлять that - они равнозначны; that даже чаще используется.
Ну здравствуйте, елка и Новый Год...Никогда они не были равнозначными и никогда that не употреблялась в качестве заменителя which...
Я была уверена, что ты не пройдешь мимо этого :D Собиралась, как дойду до компа, процитировать твое сообщение, ты меня опередила :)
Vesta87.87 писал(а):Нужно уметь различать разницу между which and that.
That относится к существительному, которое оно определяет, например: The idea that this should be done... Here is the book that I gave you yesterday.
Which является словом, вносящим дополнительную информацию. Обычно предложения с which можно перефразировать на предложение с and, например: That sentence you gave me was incorrect, which made me think you did not study for the exam. Сравните: That sentence you gave me was incorrect AND it made me think....
Я его тогда себе сохранила и долго курила. Теперь каждый текст стараюсь с ним сверять, хотя не всегда получается :D
***
У меня был родственник, который учил тригонометрию до тех пор, пока у него не обвисли усы, а когда все выучил, явилась какая-то морра и съела его. Да, и после он лежал в морровом брюхе, такой умненький!

Аватара пользователя
Cipochka
Сообщения: 832
Зарегистрирован: Пт май 22, 2009 2:57 am
Откуда: Новороссийск - Buffalo, NY

Re: SoP Economics

Непрочитанное сообщение Cipochka » Пт дек 06, 2013 9:27 am

DiaNa - вам надо расширить часть про ваш диплом и развернуть его больше в Макроэкономику. Уменьшить про остальной опыт. Или. если получится, развернуть от логистики, IT, финансовых потокох на уровне предприятия на макроэкономический уровень.
Второй вариант - выбрать других профессоров. Там полно тех, кого интересует микроэкономика, монетарная политика, возможно есть те, кто смотрит на экономику транспорта (нужно залазить в профайлы глубже, на всидку не видно).

Сейчас у вас нет ни какой коллеряции между SOP и выбранным профессором.


Теперь вопрос, что делаем? выбираем других профессоров или полностью меняем SOP?

Есть пара предложений на каждый вариант.
встретимся в Диптауне... все ИМХО

DiaNa
Сообщения: 9
Зарегистрирован: Чт дек 22, 2011 2:02 pm

Re: SoP Economics

Непрочитанное сообщение DiaNa » Сб дек 07, 2013 3:38 pm

Господа, лошадиное вам спасибо за коменты! Десятник-аспирант, отдельный респект за подробную работу над ошибками :air_kiss: Все замечания учтены.
Cipochka-на самом деле я правда не прочь в ВУЗе заниматься именно рисками для заемщиков и кредитной политикой. Поэтому проще мне покопать, как Вы и посоветовали, поглубже в рисерчах профессоров, чтобы было связано именно с РИСКАМИ политики банка или с затратами от транспортировок.
На самом деле, я хочу подать на 2 направления: Economics и Civil Eng (Transportation Engineering). Так что еще и огромная просьба развеять еще один SoP Civil Eng :give_rose:

Ответить

Кто сейчас на конференции

Сейчас этот форум просматривают: нет зарегистрированных пользователей и 7 гостей